Stung
POGI FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE By RJ Ledesma (The Philippine Star) |
Updated December 12, 2012 - 12:00am




Is the only way I could describe how I felt last Sunday.

My favorite boxer ice-cold on the mat and my favorite musician cool as ice onstage.

But you know what particularly stings as well, especially for all the heathen bachelors reading this column? It is when he hears these three little words escape his girlfriend’s mouth:

“Can we talk?”

I assure you, when you hear these words, you will turn ice-cold as well.

For the heathen bachelors out there who still do not have health insurance, I suggest you pick up a copy of my upcoming book from Anvil Publishing to help you survive situations as these (or when the world ends on Dec. 21, 2012). Here’s a little excerpt from the book:

I can truly empathize with all men who have attempted to offer solutions to your female partner’s problems. I have the scars, scabs and phantom limbs to show for it. When I was still a heathen, I recall many a conversation with my ex-girlfrend (now wife) where the blame — more often than not — was pinned squarely on me. Such as this:

Girl: Honey, we have to talk.

Idiot: What did I do again!?

Or — as reported by my unmarried but committed (but not in the medical sense… I think) male friends — how many times have their girlfriends presented them with unsolvable problems such as this:

Girl: Honey, the home pregnancy test turned out positive.

Idiot: And I suppose you’ll blame me again for that as well?

According to the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, men need to realize that women already appreciate it if you are merely listening to them. Allow me to quote a passage from the book that my wife has lovingly carved into my chest: “A man assumes she is talking with him about problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed… If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice.”

And you know what? The book liiiiieeeees. We men know that we are required to say something even if we know that whatever we say will be used as a rationale for turning our skin into a designer handbag.

You see, my three female readers, most men are capable of maintaining an intelligent, adult conversation on four things of import — boxing (except last Sunday’s match. We will never speak of that fight again. Ever), basketball, beer and bodily gases (in no particular order, unless it was a particularly good basketball game). Now if the topic of conversation moves beyond these topics, men risk bowel discharge, nosebleeds and brain implosion. This is because, as a result of evolutionary missteps, men were not predisposed to talk for periods exceeding five minutes (give or take five minutes); instead, we were given chest hair and non-utilitarian nipples. So please be warned that if you plan to engage men in conversation — most especially a conversation that will involve a revelation of feelings — know that men will screw up. Royally. If you really want her to engage in a meaningful conversation, please talk with your gay best friend instead.

Ladies, please realize that we men aren’t insensitive, we are just imbeciles. And this isn’t just my opinion, there are many books that talk about this at length, hiding behind politically correct titles like Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps. Men’s brains were programmed by evolution to hunt: our worth to the tribe was dependent on our ability to hit a moving target so that the tribe could eat. We were built to solve problems for the tribe. Other equally important skills, such as gender sensitivity-training and washing our hands after taking a leak, were not required during a period in our history when hand sanitizers had yet to be invented.

Cognizant of the fact that we are idiots, some men try to come up with solutions whenever a woman talks to us about her problems. So remember, heathen bachelors and the occasional henpecked husband out there reading this column: she is not interested in any verbal diarrhea that resembles a solution. She wants you to clam up like a constipated sphincter and do something that our government rarely does and just listen to her carefully. Under stress or pressure, a woman’s speech function is activated and she starts talking as unnecessarily as a government spokesperson. When your woman is stressed, it is time to hide behind your yaya’s palda and hope to God that she doesn’t find you. Otherwise, she will talk about her problems for hours, and her analysis of her problems will be more thorough and exacting than any congressional inquiry. She will talk about past problems (where you were not involved in but will be retroactively blamed for), present problems (your fault of course), and future problems (which you will be blamed for as well). But don’t whimper like a dog that just got neutered after she has been talking about her problems for five hours straight and you need to get up early the next day for work because she isn’t seeking a solution — she already receives comfort and relief from the process of talking.

So, woefully single men, when your significant other prefaces her conversation with the phrase “Can we talk?” here are some practical tips that have kept me a hair’s breadth away from castration:

Just shut up.

• Stay awake.

• Take it. Just take it.

• In the event that you are forced to talk, be prepared to reply every single time with “Yes dear, I understand.” Or, if worse comes worse, “Please stop, dear. I have lost sensation in those pink parts.”

• Clench your butt muscles. It has nothing much to do with the conversation, but it will give you a constipated look that will make it appear as though you are listening.

• Do not interrupt with “What’s the point?” or “Can I watch TV instead?” or “Honey, you aren’t making any sense.” (The last phrase contains the last words you will squeak before she rips open your guts and consumes your spleen for protein). There is no point here to be reached. The most valuable lesson a man can learn here is to listen and clench.

• Do not try to minimize her problem by telling her, “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal, forget about it” or “Why don’t we (unprintable unprintable unprintable) first, I’m sure you’ll feel much better after. I know I will.” If any of these phrases depart from your mouth and land in her ear, then expect your fate to be similar to many of the poultry products sold in dubious wet markets: you will be double-dead.

• If you can no longer take “the talk,” ask to be excused, make a mad dash to the banyo, take out your razor and perform a lobotomy on yourself. Or if this takes too long, just shoot yourself in the head. You might feel better after that.

• If, because of divine consequence, you misfired while in the banyo and find yourself instead regaining consciousness in the ICU and she keeps on complaining that you should have let her into the bathroom so that she could continue talking while you tried to shoot yourself in the head, then it is time to search for that sensitive man that resides deep in the crevices of your being and attempt to listen him intently. Then, after she is done, try to choke yourself by swallowing your own tongue, if your gun was confiscated by the authorities.

Surgeon General’s Warning: Please do not take any of this seriously. If you do, my wife has authorized the surgeon general to surgically remove what is left of my functioning vital organs. Then she will want to talk.
source: Stung | For Men, Lifestyle Features, The Philippine Star | philstar.com