[Merged] Jokes

[silver_corolla]

Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of the
Philippines?

Contestant: Niyog?

Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.

Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

*********

Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose
Rizal?

Contestant: Sa back?

Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay
letter "L" (Luneta).

Contestant: Likod?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang
initials ng modern name
nito (Rizal Park).

Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

************

Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta
pag summer upang maligo?

Contestant: Banyo?

Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.

Contestant: Bubong?

Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga
babaeng naka-bikini.

Contestant: Beerhouse!

************

Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na
sumasagip sa iyo pag
ikaw ay nalulunod?

Contestant: Lifebuoy?

Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng
sabon ang pangalan ng ito.

Contestant : Safeguard?

Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot
mo.

Contestant : Safe Buoy?

Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang
kaniyang katawan.

Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

************

Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na
flotation device sa dagat
upang hindi ka malunod?

Contestant: Sirena?

Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.

Contestant: Siyokoy?

Host: Hindi ito lalake.

Contestant: Siyoke?

************

Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower
of the Philippines?

Contestant: Sunflower?

Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.

Contestant: Stork?

Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?

Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?

Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at
dadagdagan ko pa! Anong
pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S",
nagtatapos sa letrang "A",
at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?

Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

************

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess
Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia?

Contestant: Carole KING?

Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.

Contestant: Al QUINN?

Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.

Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.

Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?

Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.

Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?

Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.

Contestant: Jerry PONS?

Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng
piyesa sa Chess. Yung
kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.

Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

************

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa
500 Peso bill? Clue,
may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)

Contestant: Nora Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end
sa "Y".

Contestant: Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.

Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.

Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA
AUNOR!!!

*************

One more dagdag:

Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of
the Philippines?

Contestant: Kuto?

Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.

Contestant: Kutong Lupa!

[carlocaraddict]

:twak:

[silver_corolla]

Q. Why do women close their eyes during ***?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The *** is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

[nicolodeon]

Awww, dude. Let's skip them women (and men) jokes. Gender sensitivity you see. Just my opinion.

[baiskee]

pang battle of the brainless to ah. :hihihi:

[quiksie]

werwek tropang trumpo

[odell]

[alwayz_yummy]

hindi ba pang "yabang o panget" sa bubblegang?

[silverbx986]

I need a Beer.

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay
bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a beer." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a
beer."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the gay guy sitting to his left, who is sipping on a
beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The gay guy looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
“Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock'"
and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name.

He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET'. Now give me a damn
beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzle
look asked, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!"

[antonmace]

ayos pre, nakakaaliw yang mga yan!!! add some more dude!!!

[akal]

Ito buhayin natin : Joke Corner

[SIZE=5]Twins[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!" [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other." [/SIZE][SIZE=3]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
What Will Be Next?[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial
in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog. [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
A neighbor, an old Florida fellow, was leaning on the fence
watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?" [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
I explained, "It's a sundial. See, the sun will hit that small
triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial.
Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also
moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to
determine the correct time."

My neighbor shook his head and muttered,
"Huh, what will they think of next?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
Tiny Misunderstanding[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding
that occurred when our baby was born.

She called me at work and said her water had broken.

And I said, "So, call the plumber

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

*Jericho Walls* [/SIZE][SIZE=2]


The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school.
The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning
we're studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what
you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered,
"Pastor, I didn't do it."

Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now,
who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy.
If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director
and related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've
had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him
and see what we can do."

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and
the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and
related the whole story, including the responses of the
teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin
and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money
from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that." [/SIZE][SIZE=3]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
"The Beginning"[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware
of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should
start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning,
I created the heavens and the earth..."[/SIZE][SIZE=3]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
"Speeding" [/SIZE][SIZE=2]

The state trooper pulled Dr. Schwartz over and, after
inspecting his license and registration, informed the
motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.

"What's the charge? Dr. Schwartz demanded.

"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."[/SIZE]

[akal]

[SIZE=5]THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH & EDNA

[/SIZE][SIZE=3]Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as
she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]" The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"
[/SIZE]

[akal]

[SIZE=3]The 11thHusband....[/SIZE][SIZE=3]
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Well, husband#1 was a [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband # 2 was in [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband # 3 was from [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband # 4 was in[/SIZE][SIZE=3] Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband # 5 was an [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband #6 was from [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband # 7 was in [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband # 8 was a [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband # 9 was a [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Husband # 10 was a [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]"Your're with the [/SIZE][SIZE=3]"GOVERNMENT".. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]This time [/SIZE][SIZE=3]I KNOW I'M[/SIZE][SIZE=3] gonna get
SCREWED[/SIZE][SIZE=7][SIZE=3]."[/SIZE] [/SIZE]

[Memphis Raines]

Here's a very good batch....laugh your head off!


REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"


Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.


bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!


Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!


Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another..."
Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."
Bush: "...let's strive together..."
Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"


Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit--Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit --Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.


Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio


Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!


Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!


Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang! (hihihihi! )


Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po


ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!

SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resul^
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila! =)


TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday! ?


TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?


ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"


BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?
TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan?
BUNSO: Si ate po!
TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig...


BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
KINABUKASAN??
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
KINABUKASAN ULIT??
BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!
AT KINABUKASAN NA NAMAN ULIT??
BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?
TINDERO: Wala..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas


PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?!
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...


MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?


Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"


Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?


Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.


Boss asks ***y secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
The ***y secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!


Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!


Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: ***y pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!


Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!


Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!


Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"



Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!

[Galactus]

Taken from a Go-Bingo episode years back:

Arnel: Ano ang tawag sa bansa ng mga Hindu?

Contestant: Hindunesia!!!

Corny...