"New Age" Philosophies

**Stuckinstock** · September 28th, 2005 08:11 PM

"New Age" Philosophies

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kebab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ? Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Savignon Blanc / Semillon in one hand and strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming: WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

**EL Chicane** · September 28th, 2005 09:07 PM

More like "New Age Pilosopo". Although I've met people who argue like this.

**nigo** · September 28th, 2005 09:14 PM

Share ko ke misis

**EL Chicane** · September 28th, 2005 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by nigo

Share ko ke misis

Outside da kulambo ka mamya 'pre.

**theveed** · September 29th, 2005 01:40 PM

Hehe, yan ang mga useless conversations...

Palabas dapat nina Soriano at INC yan hehe

**mantoy** · September 29th, 2005 03:50 PM

nyahahahahaha!

**bilog** · September 29th, 2005 10:04 PM

singit ko na din.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you
leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,

would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.