Things You Don't Know About Women

[tinky]

1. If you tell us that playing Halo 2 improves the dexterity of your fingers, you'd better be able to prove it.

2. We think Porsches are as overrated and superficial as men who drive SUVs but don't know how to shift them into four-wheel drive.

3. Watching football for three hours on a Sunday is sufficiently masculine. Watching football for nine hours is obsessive and weird.

4. When you are dancing with a woman, know how to lead. When you are intimate, know how to touch.

5. Chivalry does not emasculate you or make you our bitch.

6. Drink milk from a glass and beer from a bottle.

7. Some of us would very much prefer the little black box from Chrome Hearts rather than the usual blue one from Tiffany's. Translation: Don't underestimate our edge!

8. Grooming you is our biological proclivity. Squeezing, plucking, clipping, trimming -- all these activities are ways of showing we love you. Embrace the love.

9. If, while driving, you check yourself out in the rearview more than you look at us, we'll never get in another car with you.

10. Laughter and listening: These are the two bridges between your planet and ours. Do both with us often and we'll love you like crazy.

11.. Compulsive hair playing equals great, unbridled passion, but not necessarily directed toward you or toward anyone in particular.

12. You know those places that only sell smell-good, girlie products? There is a patron saint of these places—perhaps a cult leader—and that's all I can say.

13. When you see a woman chewing gum, she is counting. Next time you see a woman chewing gum, ask her what number she's up to.

14. Personally, I'm not one for lingerie. It would make me wonder where the cameras are rolling. Contrary to popular "culture," not every woman feels her best when she's dressed up looking like she was paid for. Not that that's bad. I'm just saying...

15. Some women, when they like someone, start to sulk rather than flirt. "I like him; now I'm depressed." Like in grade school, when boys threw rocks at girls they had crushes on. You are now that guy.

16. Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchiness, and we find that insulting!

17. An interesting way to a woman's heart is the gift of a self-help book.

18. Next time a woman is acting crazy, break into applause and see what happens.

19. If you can build something, brag about it, even if it's making sandwiches. Women love hearing about nice things you can do with your hands. Showing your hands off in moments of exasperation or self-explanation can be attractive to some women. Doing it in excess can drive her crazy!

20. Which brings back to compulsive hair playing. Remember, romantic love is a theatrical experience, and some women love a good hair competition. "Look at me!" "No, look at me!" This could go on for hours—and it does.

21. It's the circumference, stupid! The numerical measurement of the bra has nothing to do with the size of our boobs.

22. Hair extensions and wigs are not the same thing. Wigs are for old ladies and drag queens. Extensions are for women who want longer hair. To be safe, never bring it up if you think a woman is wearing either. No good comes of it.

23. Never take credit for something we actually did. Unless that something is farting. We'll never raise our hands there.

24. You say: "I'm intense." We hear: "I'm a psycho."

25. We don't ever want to have an "intense" time at dinner.

26. Shaving down there doesn't make your equipment look any bigger. It does make it more manageable, however, which improves the chances of us admiring your manscaping.

27. The fact that you hesitate before using our razor because it's pink and that might make you seem gay is equal parts cute and pathetic.

28. Short of spending $10,000, there is nothing you can do to your head to hide the fact that you're going bald. If you're spraying your hair on from an aerosol can, chances are we can tell. Unless you're going to shell out the cash to do it right, just let it go.

29. When the car won't start and you do nothing but open the hood, there's a 40 percent chance it will start on the second try. Men will always act like they fixed it. We know and accept this.

30. A man's ability to haggle is never a turn-on. The only thing less romantic than how much you paid is how much you saved. The last thing we want to hear is how you talked the jeweler down on our new earrings.

31. Guys, stop dousing yourselves with fragrance. If a man is swimming in cologne, chances are he's drowning out all of his better qualities.

32. Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or ***y. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog.

33. I know it's 2006, and believe me when I say that a woman can more than stand on her own. Nevertheless, we still love it when, every so often, you take control. Without stepping on our toes.

34. Don't go running in fear or in search of the fire extinguisher every time we start crying. Sometimes tears are a good thing. Stick around for the end result.

35. We do have a sixth sense. Women, like Santa Claus, know when you've been bad or good. So you know what to do . . . for goodness' sake.

36. Women can stomach more than you think. We've seen Scarface and all three Godfathers just as many times as you have. And our Tony Montana impression just might be better than yours, even if we don't do it as often.

37. Our favorite foreplay technique? Mental stimulation. The kind where we're mentally tickled to the point of laughter.

38. Contrary to popular belief, longer in bed is not necessarily better. I'm not talking about size here, fellas (more on that later); I'm talking about duration. Let's just say that if you're pushing an hour (no pun intended), we'll likely be stifling a yawn.

39. Size really doesn't matter that much. Big can be less pleasurable than average. But no pinkies. (Think about the fingers on your hands.)

40. When doubt has crept in and we've driven you to insanity, remember this: According to the Bible, "Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing."

41. Even if it's cheap jewelry from the drug-store, we'll get all girlie and adore you for it. (Take the price tag and label off, fellas.)

42. When you order before us, the waiter secretively throws us a disgusted glance urging us to break up with you.

43. Hot girls want you to call them smart. Smart girls want you to call them hot.

44. If you cry when we dump you, there will never be any postbreakup ***. I know it's not fair, because we can cry and tear up the joint and chances are you'll toss it our way a month later. But seriously, keep it together.

45. We don't care about your balls. We don't care how big they are or how many you have. They're bothersome little friends we need to be nice to in order to play with the Fun Guy.

46. When you say, "All I did was kiss her":
a) You are already in trouble.
b) We know it isn't true.

47. We love ****. You know those trashy romance novels your aunt reads? Yeah pure ****. We just need epic drama and petticoats to feel okay about our smut.

48. Let's slow down on the coed high-fiving. It makes us feel like dudes.

49. When we have an orgasm, our breasts release a chemical that makes men fall asleep. It's true. I read it in an erotic handbook.

50. The "P-Mate," the "Whiz," and the "TravelJohn" are three devices that help women pee standing up.

51. Women over the age of twenty-two almost never get pregnant by surprise. If she wants to keep the baby and marry you immediately, you are, in fact, being trapped.

52. Because we don't have a prostate gland, that's why. If you don't know the question or understand the answer, look it up.

53. Women are crazy. But if you tell your girlfriend, "I read in Esquire that a woman admitted that women are crazy," she'll call you an idiot. Know that we know we are nuts, and tuck that away in your manly heart.

54. It's not really the shoes. It's how they make our legs look.

55. Women also fantasize during ***.

56. And sometimes those fantasies are about shoes.

57. If you want to see us naked more often, turn up the damn thermostat.

58. A big d*ck is a bore if it's attached to a big d*ck.

59. We can pee standing up, but it's not pretty.

60. We can't hear a word you're saying if there are hairs coming out of your nose.

61. If you would just listen to us, we'd shut up.

62. Want ***? Fix something.

63. Women want empathy, not advice.

64. It's still a man's world, and some of it you can keep.

65. You would be crazy, too, if your insides fell out every twenty-eight days.

66. Some handy translations for men:
"You're working too hard." = "You're not spending enough time with me."
"No presents for my birthday." = "Surprise me!"
"What are you thinking about?" = "Do you still love me?"
"Do you want to talk about it?" = "I want to talk about it."
"**** you. I can't stand you." = "**** you. I can't stand you."

[scarab]

52. Because we don't have a prostate gland, that's why. If you don't know the question or understand the answer, look it up.

.....:hihihi:

[Elroi]

58. A big d*ck is a bore if it's attached to a big d*ck.

:hysterical:

59. We can pee standing up, but it's not pretty.

need i say more...

[nugundam93]

9. If, while driving, you check yourself out in the rearview more than you look at us, we'll never get in another car with you.

namiss ko tuloy yung boss ko dati who used to ride with me.

sumasakit leeg ko sa kakatingin sa passenger side ko. :lol:

[cutedoc]

women love to be complemented spontaenuosly
- like got nice butt there
- ***y hair
- you look slimmer now than the last i saw you
- youre glowing, youre probably in love, or im here
- you look awesome, great, brilliant, spectacular, say this as the case or occasion may be, just whisper this behind her ears, absolute compliment, guaranteed