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  1. Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Posts
    337
    #3211
    A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 25 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

    Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

    While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

    His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

  2. Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    21,586
    #3212
    What if...


  3. Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    687
    #3213
    Quote Originally Posted by Monseratto View Post
    "bang,bang"...:P

    Nice. Hahaha.

  4. Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    21,586
    #3214

  5. Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Posts
    337
    #3215
    *** and shopping have one thing in common:

    In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes and women want to go on and on and on and on!

  6. Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Posts
    337
    #3216
    One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

    The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.

    With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman."

  7. Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    3,002
    #3217
    A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.
    A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

    A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.” The guy left.

    The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

    A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

    The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

    Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, “Your house!”

  8. Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    3,002
    #3218
    This cracked me

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
    1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
    2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
    3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
    4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
    5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
    6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
    7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
    8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
    9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
    10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
    11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
    12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
    13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
    14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
    15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
    16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
    17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
    18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
    19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
    20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
    21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
    22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

  9. Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    21,586
    #3219
    How lucky can you get?


  10. Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Posts
    337
    #3220
    A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamilton's' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having ***." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having ***?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

Joke Time!