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  1. Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    818
    #11
    Ito buhayin natin : Joke Corner

    [SIZE=5]Twins[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=2]
    The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!" [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other." [/SIZE][SIZE=3]

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    What Will Be Next?
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial
    in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog.
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    A neighbor, an old Florida fellow, was leaning on the fence
    watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    I explained, "It's a sundial. See, the sun will hit that small
    triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial.
    Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also
    moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to
    determine the correct time."

    My neighbor shook his head and muttered,
    "Huh, what will they think of next?!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    Tiny Misunderstanding
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]

    My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding
    that occurred when our baby was born.

    She called me at work and said her water had broken.

    And I said, "So, call the plumber

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]

    *Jericho Walls*
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]


    The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school.
    The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning
    we're studying Joshua."

    "That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what
    you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

    Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered,
    "Pastor, I didn't do it."

    Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now,
    who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

    The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy.
    If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

    Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director
    and related the story to him.

    The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've
    had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him
    and see what we can do."

    Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and
    the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and
    related the whole story, including the responses of the
    teacher and the director.

    A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin
    and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money
    from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."
    [/SIZE][SIZE=3]

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    "The Beginning"
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]

    When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
    the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware
    of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should
    start at the very beginning."

    "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning,
    I created the heavens and the earth..."
    [/SIZE][SIZE=3]

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
    "Speeding"
    [/SIZE][SIZE=2]

    The state trooper pulled Dr. Schwartz over and, after
    inspecting his license and registration, informed the
    motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.

    "What's the charge? Dr. Schwartz demanded.

    "None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
    [/SIZE]

  2. Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    818
    #12
    [SIZE=5]THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH & EDNA

    [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
    [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3]Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
    suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
    [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3]Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
    [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3]When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as
    she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3]" The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3] person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
    [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3] The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."
    [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3]Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"
    [/SIZE]

  3. Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    818
    #13
    [SIZE=3]The 11thHusband....[/SIZE][SIZE=3]
    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
    [/SIZE]


    [SIZE=3]"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Well, husband#1 was a [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband # 2 was in [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband # 3 was from [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband # 4 was in[/SIZE][SIZE=3] Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband # 5 was an [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband #6 was from [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband # 7 was in [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband # 8 was a [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband # 9 was a [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Husband # 10 was a [/SIZE][SIZE=3]Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=3]"Your're with the [/SIZE][SIZE=3]"GOVERNMENT".. [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3]This time [/SIZE][SIZE=3]I KNOW I'M[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=3] gonna get
    SCREWED[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=7][SIZE=3]."[/SIZE] [/SIZE]

  4. Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    3,722
    #14
    Here's a very good batch....laugh your head off!


    REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
    Police: DNA na...
    REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
    Police: "Di Namin Alam "


    Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
    Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
    Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

    "Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
    ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
    TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"


    Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
    Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.


    bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
    bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
    bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!



    Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
    Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
    Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!


    Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
    Bush: "Lets help one another..."
    Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."
    Bush: "...let's strive together..."
    Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
    Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
    Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"



    Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo?
    Chavit--Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
    Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
    Chavit --Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.


    Erap writing on a slum book:
    Favorite Actor:
    Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
    Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
    Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
    Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
    Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
    Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
    Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
    Arnold Clavio



    Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
    Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
    Pare 1: Di pa rin e
    Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
    Pare 1: Wala pa rin
    Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!


    Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
    Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!



    Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
    Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang! (hihihihi! )


    Sa isang mumurahing airline:
    Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
    Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
    Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po



    ANG NAKARAAN....
    May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
    DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!

    SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
    Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resul^
    ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila! =)



    TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
    STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday! ?


    TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
    JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?



    ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
    FPJ: Anong problema?
    ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
    FPJ: Anong title?
    ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"


    BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?
    TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan?
    BUNSO: Si ate po!
    TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig...



    BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
    TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
    KINABUKASAN??
    BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.....
    TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
    KINABUKASAN ULIT??
    BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....
    TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!
    AT KINABUKASAN NA NAMAN ULIT??
    BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?
    TINDERO: Wala..
    BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas


    PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?!
    ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...



    MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
    MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,
    MRS: Lasing ka no?
    MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
    MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?


    Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
    Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
    Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"



    Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
    Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
    Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
    Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?


    Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
    Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
    Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.



    Boss asks ***y secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
    The ***y secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!


    Girl: Maganda ba ko?
    Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
    Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay yata to!
    Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!



    Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
    Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
    Kevin: ***y pa! Grabe!
    Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!


    Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
    JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!



    Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
    Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
    Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
    Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
    Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan na kayo.
    Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!


    Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
    Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"



    Sa isang ospital...
    Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
    Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
    Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!

  5. Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    2,976
    #15
    Taken from a Go-Bingo episode years back:

    Arnel: Ano ang tawag sa bansa ng mga Hindu?

    Contestant: Hindunesia!!!

    Corny...

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